25 October 2018
I've had an overwhelming urge to write recently and I think it's mostly due to the fact that I've pretty much abandoned my blog. It's easy to get caught up in your day-to-day life and forget the things you love doing. I want to break that cycle and since no one reads my blog anymore, I don't feel as pressured to follow a schedule and post frequently. It's also easier to open up and talk about whatever I feel like sharing.
Today, that is the imminent question "Why are you single?", which I can't answer myself.
It seems like being in a relationship is the norm. It makes sense - we are social creatures, thriving on interaction and contact with others, seeking approval, be it subconsciously and dreading loneliness. That leads me to the conclusion that I'm an alien. Jokes aside, I do feel out of place on many occasions. Many of my classmates have long-term relationships, some are engaged, some are married, some have kids, while I frequently drink wine alone in my room on a Thursday, wearing a dressing gown and eating animal-shaped biscuits. I know life's not a race and I should take things at my own pace but it's hard not to compare yourself to your peers, especially in the day and age of social media, where you get daily updates from people you want or don't want to keep in touch with.
The bigger issue however, is that I don't really want to catch up to them anytime soon. I enjoy my own company to a dangerous degree. It takes a lot for me to decide to give someone my time and energy, because those are the most valuable resources we have. I don't feel the need to share myself with someone. I don't know if I want to get married or have children. Currently I don't, but who knows, I might change my mind.
I have my friends, who give me more support than I could have ever wished for and that's more than enough for me. Of course, that's not the same as having someone who thinks you put the stars in the sky, but to me friendship is more unconditional and rewarding than a boyfriend.
I know that people will say that I just haven't found the right person to share my life with, aka "the one", but I don't believe in that concept. Life isn't like the movies, there is no magical feeling of everything falling into place when you meet someone and instantly knowing that you're meant to be. I believe that love starts with a feeling, but turns into a choice, a mutual conscious choice. I also believe that friendship and understanding should always be the base of any relationship. All in all, it's hard work and I haven't found anyone worthy of the effort yet. I don't know if I will, but I don't mind either outcome.
People also ask "who hurt you" as if an unsuccessful relationship can make me give up on love. Fuck my high school boyfriend, who thought blocking me on Facebook was an acceptable way to break up with me. Fuck the boy who used my body and concluded "I think we're better off as friends". Fuck the one that wanted me, but wasn't ready to give anything in return, too. Those are all learning experiences and I don't have the energy to stay bitter and closed off to the world because of them.
Me being single doesn't depend on anyone or anything else apart from me. I'm in the process of bettering and getting to know myself and my needs. My life is a mess and for someone to walk into it, they'd have to be understanding of that and my need to be by myself more than most.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, I enjoy my flings and casual dating, but I'm really selective and careful with who I actually let have a role in my life.
I'm not writing anything off, but I'm not unhappy with where I am right now. Going with the flow isn't so bad, as long as you don't let the current drown you.
And just so you know, blogging is way cheaper than therapy and so is chocolate.
xo,
Kalina
